29/10/2013

How To Not Spend Money

Before the title of this post lures you in with the tempting promise of my wisdom, I must warn you that this isn't a money-saving advice post per se. It's a guide on how to spend as little money as possible without having fantasies of sticking your head in a blender.

Perhaps, like me, you're unemployed. Or maybe you're just really clumsy and you drop all of your money. Whatever the reason, if you're minus the moolah, here are some tips on how not to spend a penny unless your life depends on it. Spending money, I mean, not urinating. Unless you're in a train station, because then that comes under 'spending money'.


Become enemies with advertising

Learn to hate advertising so much that the thought of spending money makes you feel like you'd be giving your soul to the devil. Adverts are everywhere. They're annoying. And all they care about is your money, which you don't have. If you're having trouble convincing yourself, here's a recent TV ad that will make you loathe advertising forever.


Don't have friends

Friends make you spend money. A drink here, a lunch there, and then they go and have birthdays and stuff. You're better off without them if you want to save money. If you do have any friends, make sure they're not so fond of you in time for Christmas.


Don't leave the house

The best way not to give into temptation is to not leave the house. If you have no choice but to go outside and you fear you might be tempted by shiny things, take a big jug of gravy and pour it all over anything that you have the urge to buy. That'll teach shops to tempt you.


Take it down a notch 

If you don't drink it already, switch to decaf coffee and tea. When spending your days indoors starts to become boring and you need a night out or just a reminder that you're still alive, alcohol - or whatever stimulant of your choice - doesn't come cheap. Since you'll have been living off decaf, switch to a caffeinated drink and you'll be off your face for a lot less money. 


Watch TV

As well as ways to not spend money, sometimes you just need something that's going to make you feel better about yourself - particularly because you can't afford cleverly marketed skincare to do that for you. As well as being a great distraction from spending money, television can serve another purpose. Watch programmes like Made in Chelsea to help convince you that wealth and stupidity are positively correlated. 


Find your centre 

Watch the Dalai Lama's YouTube channel. Not because it will teach you that happiness is a state of mind and the inherent human condition of constant desire leaves us unhappy, but because most of the videos are over three hours long. That's three hours of you not spending money.


Play to your allergies 

Only buy things you're allergic to. That'll soon teach you. 

4 comments:

  1. I did ALL the laughing out loud/reading this aloud to my fiance. Awesome as ever.

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  2. I've never understood the hold that ads can have over people. Like, a guy's just sitting on his couch watching TV and suddenly he's seen the best ad in his life for a Hyundai, so then he's like, "Dancing hamsters, must buy Hyundai SUV, dancing hamsters..." and just marches off to his dealership.

    My response to any ad is typically, "That would totally be on my list of things to buy if I had money. Now, back to eating ramen noodles and feeling sad for myself."

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  3. I don't think watching Tv would be a great way to kill time because there are those advertisements that just make you crave to spend.
    -Business News Australia

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