My New Year's resolutions

Resolutions are funny things, aren't they? We tell ourselves that over the space of one night we’ll morph into a new person with willpower of steel, just because the numbers at the bottom of our laptop screens change.

Vegetables will taste better, exercise will feel more euphoric and being abstemious for 12 months will be a piece of gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free cake.

We kid ourselves that a new year will be the catalyst for big changes, but ones that will stick, because we're doing them at the start of January. And I'm guilty of this every year. So without further ado, here are my New Year's resolutions!

I will exercise. Or at least think about exercise once in a while.

I will cut down on Olbas Oil. Or at least step away from the bottle when my eyes start watering and I lose my sense of smell.

I will stop trying to understand how anyone can like football. I will never understand.

I will stop taking everything my landlord says at face value.

I will stop obsessing over my wonky eyebrows. There are more important things in life. Ish.

I will stop having a mini breakdown every time I get dressed. Living in Hoxton brings a pressure to look cool, and cool I will never be.

I will cut down on the amount I talk about skunks, think about skunks and YouTube skunks. I cannot, however, be responsible for how regularly I dream about them.

I will stop getting annoyed when I shop online and can't tell how clothes might look on my 5 foot 1 body in comparison to gazelle-like models.

I will stop feeling inferior for not having a favourite colour.

I won’t get any more cotton buds stuck in my ear. Spending half an hour with my head tilted to one side, shouting ‘I don’t want to go to hospital!’ was not my finest moment of 2013.

I will stop feeling a sense of achievement when reading through a long article without checking my emails in-between. It’s really not an achievement.

I will stop worrying about worrying.

I will stop trying to learn what the word veritable means.

I will move on from the traumatic custard scene from this year's Bake Off.

I will abandon all hope for a third Sex and the City film.

And relating to that, I will endeavour to stop exclusively watching rom coms.

I will refrain from getting annoyed at typos and correcting the person(s) involved wherever possible.

Actually, I already take the last one back – a girl’s got to have some fun.


  1. I had a cotton bud stuck in my ear for three days, I definitely thought I was going to die of some sort infection or disease.

    1. Oh my god that's awful!! And don't worry, I would have thought exactly the same!

  2. I know your pain regarding online clothes shopping. As a guy who's lean (not skinny, not scrawny, just not fat) it's incredibly hard to shop for clothes here in obese America, because they never have small or mediums in mens. Only large, extra large, XXL, XXXXXXXL, etc. I've seen shirts that I could fit three of me in, but a shirt that fits just right? Sorry, no dice.

  3. Once again, Jessica, your post had me in stitches - I love the way you write so much. And love your resolutions. A particular favourite was 'I will move on from the traumatic custard scene from this year's Bake Off' - a gallant statement as personally I'm not sure that's ever possible, it being the most defining moment in 2013 television, but good luck nonetheless.
    These are great New Years resolutions and now mine feel incredibly prosaic in comparison. Hope you manage to achieve them this year!

    1. Aw thanks so much Daisy! Haha I was being a bit ambitious with the custard one, I don't see it happening, I'm still getting flashbacks!

  4. Haha oh gosh the custard scene!! Will never be forgotten!

    Jennie xo | sailorjennie.com