16/03/2014

That time I spoke to an entire room about my anxiety

A few days ago, Anxiety UK invited me to speak at a talk on stress and anxiety at Cambridge University.

Public speaking is one of the most common fears to plague mankind. And it doesn't help when three other people talk before you who all  have letters in front and after their names. I only have letters in my name.

The few days beforehand were a sea of calm because I didn't think about it, otherwise I wouldn't have done it. My subconscious threw me on a train from London to Cambridge with no more than a few scribbles in a notepad, and I only thought ‘oh crap’ when I sat on the stage in front of eager faces. Faces that were looking at me. The only time I could recall having more than two faces looking at me at once was in a job interview. Or when I've looked at my reflection in a mirror facing a mirror.What I would have given to be in a job interview. 

I sat on stage and listened as three intimidatingly intelligent people took it in turns to talk about anxiety and stress. Nerves invaded my whole body and made me feel ill, so I threw the contents of a bottle of water - one that had kindly been placed under my seat - down my throat. Although, it did make me feel special to have been given a bottle of water. 

But I told myself it was fine, that the anxiety I was feeling was a good thing. Maybe my dilated pupils and shaking hands would make my talking about having anxiety more believable.

My turn came around ten times quicker than I'd expected. I walked over to the podium and awkwardly clawed at the microphone, repositioning it in an attempt to postpone having to open my mouth. 

The only words going round my mind were the scrambled contents of a joke I'd thought of to start my talk with. The only problem was that the rest of my speech had ran out of the lecture hall and left me behind, desperate to do the same. 

But the words all came out in some sort of coherent order, and I didn’t fall over/pass out/cry/die. I discovered that talking to a room full of people who are focused on what you're saying (or pretending to be) is a peculiar feeling, and one that I wanted to have again as soon as I sat back down.  

Then the audience asked questions. One person wanted advice on how to deal with a panic attack. There I was with my usual air of self-doubt, heightened by the experts and professors sitting next to me, forgetting that I had years of experience with something that warranted me to talk with some degree of authority. 

After the talk, a few audience members came up to me, and one asked my advice on her own anxiety disorder. And in that moment every struggle I'd ever had felt like it had been worth something

Some people could talk to a room full of people as if it were empty. Others, like myself, have nightmares about it. But if you have something to say that you want people to know, and you have passion behind what you're saying, fear is as easy to swallow as a free bottle of water. 

15 comments:

  1. You are SO brave for standing up and doing that, well done! I really admire you for it and I honestly don't think I could ever do the same. I become a nervous wreck just talking to a group of friends about things like anxiety and depression. It makes me sad, but I think I am better at writing, and will stick to that. But wow wow wowwwww I am in awe of you for doing this.
    N xo

    www.whatnaomiwrote.blogspot.co.uk

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  2. Um, Jessica you are awesome. Standing up in front of lots of people and talking about anxiety? Sounds like some kind of terrifying oxymoron to me! But it is so cool that you've done this and you should be seriously proud of yourself. I hope one day I'll be able to do something like this - hearing it's possible is very encouraging and, just in general, this is a great post. You rock.
    Daisy x

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    1. Well done. Not at all easy talking to a room full of people when you suffer from anxiety. The good news is that you took the first step, and it will become a lot more comfortable to manage.

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  3. It's such a bloody irrational fear, but it afflicts most of us. There's a feeling that if you could just master it somehow, you could master your destiny ... I don't know what it takes. Genes? Cruel parents? Public school?

    If there's one thing I can say to ease your burden, it's that you really shouldn't fret about anyone else being "intimidatingly intelligent".

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    1. Thanks Andy. It definitely is an irrational fear, but they're so much easier than rational ones!

      I'm always intimidated by clever people, I think it's some kind of imposter syndrome, but the plus side was they made it pretty easy for me to make a joke. I think people laughed out of relief. "Finally, we can switch our brains off"!

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  4. That's awesome, not only that you were able to go through with it, but from the sounds of it you nailed it. I used to be afraid of public speaking, but that just went away with age. Now it's kind of fun to rope in an audience and have them hanging on your every word.

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    1. Thanks! I can't ever imagine getting to a point where I'd call it 'fun'... but there's an aim!!

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  5. You should be super proud of yourself! When I was in school me and my friend were going to do a talk on anxiety to the rest of the school with the help of a local mental health charity but I backed out because I was way too nervous to talk in front of all those people! I'm not in school any longer but I wish I faced my fear.

    www.sincerelybrionybea.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thanks Briony! Aw, I would've been terrified to do something like that when I was in school. Hopefully an opportunity will come up for you again :)

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  6. This sounds amazing! Really inspiring :)

    Gemma

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  7. This is such a beautiful post and I'm so glad that I stumbled across it. As someone who's suffered from anxiety and depression for a verrryy long time, I find myself wanting to applaud at my phone reading about you doing that! How brave and inspirational! Lovely to meet you!
    Sophie x

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