I spell my name right, I don't have a five-page CV, but I'm still unemployed. So it can't hurt to add to the already overflowing amount of job-seeking advice available, if for no other reason than having nothing better to do with my time. So here's my list of top tips from an experienced, veteran jobseeker.
Don't waste your time reading advice on how to apply for jobs. Apart from this blog post.
Instead of deleting the dreaded personal rejection email - 'we regret to inform you that we've picked one of the other 500 applicants that applied for the role because they're better than you' - save it. After not having a single email for three days in a row, it can serve as an unexpected pick-me-up.
Remember, there's nothing wrong with thinking 'what would the Fairy Jobmother do?'. Or following her on Twitter.
If a job advert says something along the lines of 'we work hard to play hard. We often have meetings at the pub, but our office is really chilled too' (and I've seen many) then only apply if you're okay with working in an office full of David Brents.
Enjoy and embrace any one-man pity parties that you find yourself throwing. When you eventually get a job you can look back at how pathetic you were and feel even better. I'm thinking of future you, here.
Watch programmes like Him and Her or HBO's Girls, or anything else where the characters are unemployed, to help you feel a bit better about yourself. And then tell yourself that it's not real, and that the actors will have been paid more than you've earned in the last year just in that one episode and get back to the job search.
If you keep seeing the same job adverts come up again and again, apply for a second or third time. Just mix up the letters of your name or change the font on your cover letter.
If you have a blog that's linked in your CV, don't write stupid posts like this one that potential employers might read.
Articles that advise people on how to apply for jobs run along the same lines as tips on 'how to write'. If you can't already do it, don't bother. If you're going to spell the company's name wrong, chances are you can't be saved by a bit of advice from the New Statesman. Let's be honest, if you get an interview you're probably going to turn up at the wrong place on the wrong day wearing socks on your hands and gloves on your feet.
There are many factors beyond your control that determine whether you get an interview or not. Sometimes it isn't just a matter of how good your CV and cover letter are, it just wasn't meant to be. And that brings me to my last point: learn to love denial.